Remembering Aunt Caroline

Today is almost a month that Aunt Caroline left us.

As I sipped my beer at a coffee shop in Subang SS19 at the time close to the time she passed away a month ago, I felt the sadness and became teary.

I very much understand how difficult it is to lose a mom as my mom means so much to me. I don't know what will I do without my mom.

My first encounter with Aunt Caroline was when Ruby invited me up to her apartment on a Friday afternoon to meet her mom. I was so scared for so many reasons. Firstly, what her reaction would be to me. It also meant a lot to me because I finally got to meet her.

As I stepped into her home, she sat on her chair and extended her hand to me and said "Nice to meet you". I was so releaved that Aunt Caroline was welcoming. Ruby prepared the "hor fun" that her mom requested for from Pulau Tikus market. I sat there beside her mom watching AFC(a TV channel on Astro about food). I knew that poor Aunt Caroline could only dream and imagine eating them as I understand that she was loosing her appetite and also there was pain within her.

Ruby and I were leaving for Queenie's 21st birthday in Butterworth, the weekend of the St Anne's feast. I said my good bye to her and she said bye back. She thanked me for the "hor fun".

Days went by and Aunt Caroline was at Ah Poh's (Ruby's mom's mom's house) which is near to her home. I sent Ruby back one Thursday and I told Ruby that I wanted to meet her mom.

We went to Ah Poh's place and I saw Aunt Caroline lie on the sofa. As I entered the home she sat up and let me seat beside her. I was quite scared to seat next to her because I still could not believe that I finally met her. Ala, u know me a bit sensitive to this kinda stuff. Haha!

She was telling me she could not eat much and there was pain.

She touched my right hand suddenly and told me about Ruby's uncle who was also seated at the living room, that he had just returned from an opperation because of blood clot in his stomach. It was a surprise to me that she touched my arm in her condition but it just made me feel comfortable and welcomed to be with her.

When I left the home I told her I will see her again.

I came back that night and the following 2 days I was there. Poor Aunt Caroline was vommitting and did not have much to eat. She just drank water. She hardly slept also and she did say she never slept for 24 hours when I met her that week on a Sunday.

I just felt so concerned for her that I made a point to be there although I could not do anything.

When she wanted to go toilet, we had to put her on her wheelchair. First time she went, she stood up and tried to reach for my hand but I was a bit scared to get involved in family affairs so I called Ruby cousin come and help. The next time she wanted to go toilet and we had to get her on the wheelchair, she stood up and this time I extend my hand. She caught my hand and gripped it firmly.

I am a guy who is very sensitive to people's body language. Her respond to me, I felt was positive from my encounters with her.

That same week, on a Sunday, my mom wanted to visit her so I took her. I felt so sorry to my mom coz I delayed the process of meeting Ruby's mom. My dad did not know her condition and before my mom left our house, he told my mom to call Ruby's mom for dinner at our place one day. My dad never got to meet Aunt Caroline. I guess some thing's in life we have to accept and they are just not meant to happen.

My mom got teary when met Rubz mom because from a medical person point of view (my mom is retired matron), Aunt Caroline was thin and it was not a good sign.

We sat for a while and we left.

Before leaving, I handed my hand out again and she reached out and held it tight. I told her I am going home and I will come again to see her. She nodded. That time she was really week already.

The next morning, her condition worsened and she was taken to Hospice. I went early morning to be with the family. It was a hard time for all of us.

At 9.08 pm 11/8/2008, she breathed her last breath surrounded by all of us. I held back my feelings trying to be macho as ussual.

At that time, we could only do what was needed that was to make arrangements for the funeral.

On the night before the funeral, I went through the slides Ruby prepared of her mom for the funeral. I cried. I honestly felt sad. I broke down again in the car when Ruby was in it after the funeral mass on the way to crematorioum telling Ruby I am sooooo sorry and I told her I don't know why this had to happen to Aunt Caroline. I guess I had a problem accepting it and until now I still wonder why and trying to come to terms with my loss.

I guess I had a lot of respect for Aunt Caroline being Ruby's mom and I was so touched by her kindness towards me.

Corinne Baum, a close family friend, did tell me that Aunt Caroline was a great person, kind and very good with kids.

I am sad that I could not have spent more time with Aunt Caroline for us to get to know each other better and enjoy each other's company. I always wanted to take her to Gurney Drive with Ruby's as my aunt did tell me that the sea is good for people who are recovering from illness but I guess time was not on my side.



Aunt Caroline,

I pray that your soul may rest in peace with the choirs of angels and souls in heaven. May you always be with us in spirit and help guide us in our lives. As what Aunt Cindy (Ruby's aunt said), make Aunt Caroline proud of us. It was a pleasure to meet you in this lifetime but hope we can meet up again in the next. I hope you are looking down on us from above and smilling. :D

Love,
Trevor.