Remorsed

I have been through a lot of hurdles these years and now another one. I am just too ashame to admit what happened. It is a big lost! The more I think about avoiding problems, the more I get myself into them. It is a lesson that life is really never easy. Dreaming of sunny days and all smiles does not work for me. I guess it is about inner happiness!

What had never been dreamed of, did happen. It slowly came to a halt; a realization that it was not meant to be. Not for us and not for the people that we love the most including our friends.

It is sad to lose someone that has meant so much to you. The good and bad times will now be memories. Memories or phases in life that has contructed who I am and who I shall be in future.

The heart can no longer continue. What was once full, is now surprisingly empty. I guess the priorities and goals have evolved. There was parallelism but instead now separatism. A separation to continue life on our own and seek individual gratification. The results can be positive and also negative. However, life must continue. We need strength to continue our journey while on this earth.

Time now is not easy. The heart is very heavy and filled with sadness. How should I continue? How do I heal? I put myself in God's arms. I can only imagine Him hugging me and holding me tight with me crying out in His arms. I beg for His merciful forgiveness. It was my human failure that had led me to this state. I am scared I may have gone against God's plan. But this is what we want now.

The thoughts keep running in my mind almost all the time. What the hell happenned? It happenned so swiftly and I don't know why I let it go so easily. After all my hardships in building it, I just let it go this time. Very confusing.

My mind is not at peace. I need time to heal. I need time to reflect on what happenned before, now and the future.

I imagine myself laying naked on the floor. Just as the words from Natalie Imbruglias song Naked or whatever the name is. I feel I have nothing and my energy drained.

When moments like Christmas especially soon round the corner, you feel sad. Christmas is all about fun and sharing it with your loved ones. This year it will be very lonely for me. Not because I don't have my family and my friends but because I wanted a quiet and composed time to gather my strength. I selfishly would like to see this moment past although it is a happy event. It is a time of the Christian calendar when God brings us all together as a family to celebrate the birth of Jesus who changed the earth. A very important time in the Christian calendar. I must focus on this important Christian celebration and put my personal thoughts aside.

Honestly, I always believe in happiness. Happiness not only for me but for all who walk this earth. It is something that is free and is entitled. I do not want to be the reason for that someone to be suppressed of that happiness. I really prefer to see that person happy and enjoying life.

Since I am not that person to provide that happiness, I beg to God on my knees and pray for that person to achieve it. I am confident there will be a better replacement. That is all I sincerely wish for.

I feel like an old Volvo that has reached the end of my era, to be replaced with newer Volvos that serve their owners better and provide more.

I apologize for my short-comings and the times that I had failed to fulfill what was desired of.

Pls do not see this as me being sympathetic or the nice guy. I speak my mind and how my heart feels. I know now a lot of ppl hate me for what has happenned. But pls, give us the respect and time to heal and not point fingers.

It is was a difficult decision to come to and something very sacred to us that we have realized and want to do what is best for each other.